The Spinster's Exploits

If you’re looking for the definitive answer, I apologise as I don’t have it!

That marvellous – and perplexing “debate” arises regularly when editors have a space to fill in the Sunday supplements or lifestyle section of papers – I remember it being brought up by women reading “Shades of Grey” and the “Twilight” novels in 2012 –  the days before the pornification of culture and the porn explosion and I wrote about it at the time.

Basically, a chap being all confused because he was new and modern and into equality but now women wanted to be dominated… In fairness he was amusing but it felt old hat despite the modern references.

And – surprise, surprise – there was a woman saying just because we have fantasies doesn’t mean we’re doormats in real life – we can tell difference between real life and fantasy, thanks very much – an excellent message that was good to see. Something that modern women seem to have grasped and find liberating with no qualms about internalised oppression and other concerns that I and others have had – and all power to modern women!

She then came up with – surprise, surprise (2) – the idea that women are now so grown up, responsible and busy it is no wonder we/they want to have fantasies about rich, powerful men telling us/them what to do… I remember reading such amazingly original thoughts about High Court Judges and politicians who visited dominatrixes or liked being adult babies decades ago.

I’m sure there’s something in the escapism from responsibility idea and people (women and men) who toy with such fantasies and sometimes act on them or are thrilled by such tales may well be seeking something “other”.

But in my experience (as someone with submissive fantasies who has met others with similar feelings) that’s not really the whole picture for many. Seeds of such fantasies/desires are sown very early and most who see BDSM as part of their identity appear to have known about it throughout their life.

Of course people toy with lots of ideas/fantasies/experiences to enrich their sex lives or stave off boredom and that’s great. So whether you fancy swinging, dogging, a little light spanking or one of these apparently modern crazes like anal sex or hairless pubes – great! Go for it and have fun. But for some it’s not about a jaded palate or a search for novelty – the power dynamic of BDSM is about who they are – not all of them – but a significant and important part of their identity.

So what do women want? Still a good question. And the men? Whatever it is let’s hope they get it!