The Spinster's Exploits

In my “definitely a spankee and only here to meet possible spankers” days I did attend some BDSM events in South Wales because there were no spanko munches. I clung grimly to my definitely-spankee-and-not here-to-play identity with the grim determination that I’d once guarded my virginity! But as a nosy bitch, of COURSE I was fascinated! And I was genuinely open-minded about everyone else’s freedom to do whatever they liked as well as they observed the safe, sane and consensual code.

And it was at a BDSM munch I heard a couple of lifestyle Dommes bemoaning the sometimes-exhausting nature of making the decisions for their sub life partners. And I remember rolling my metaphorical eyes and issuing a virtual sigh at the drama of it all. Although I noted the said subs looked very happy and un-weary as the ‘grown-ups’ chuntered on.

And now I found myself possibly a little singed by own petard as I explore the nursery slopes of domestic-Domme-ing my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf.

As a spankee I’ve also had an issue of equality and fairness when people live sub/Dom(me) lifestyle. A lovely subby friend once told me that when he and his Domme life partner had a falling out, they then sorted out issue including any blame. And he got “punished” as a closure ritual rather than because he was at fault and she wasn’t. I thought that was excellent.

I have also been concerned by Dom/mes and Spankers who talk about punishments that have been meted out to subs and spankees who have done stuff that is genuinely bad for them. They may “hate” severe punishment at the time, but likely to be a turn-on as well and/or later… How to genuinely punish a spankee or sub seems quite a challenge, although I understand that for many subs their Dom/me’s displeasure is the worst punishment.

So – my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf has agreed to an on-going relationship with me as his newbie Domestic Domme and Kinky Life Coach/Probation Officer. And since we agreed, he has indulged in behaviours and thoughtlessness that I consider bad for his well-being – You can probably see where this is going…

As a friend, I want what’s best for him, and don’t want to reward bad behaviour. I told him in no uncertain terms how unhappy I was and why, and that I expected him to change his behaviour if we were to continue.

We agreed to meet at quite short notice and I think he was all prepared for severe “punishment”. So that’s what he got – a telling off and a brain storming session on  new rules of behaviour so that he knew exactly what was expected and why. My S-C-D-S-E is absolutely a free agent, and I like him spreading his wings, but I expect him to stick to any agreements we make that are intended to help him improve his life and have fun.

And I did provide a nourishing lunch of home-made soup and home-cooked ham but absolutely no other physical rewards or punishments, save a good-bye hug.

He has homework – writing up his misdemeanours, starting to change his negative behaviours and providing me with a record of changes.

And once that has been done, I will punish him for said misdemeanours in a way that should be fun and satisfying for both of us – well, that’s the plan…

Phew – I’m knackered! So pleased I am only part-time Domestic Domme and Kinky Life Coach/Probation Officer to my S-C-D-S-E! And luckily my Established, polyamorous sub-identifying switchy lover is due for a visit this weekend, and our switchy games require no such deep thought and ethical dilemmas – just fun!

Right – I think I need a little lie down in my lovely scorchio conservatory with my latest Marian Keyes re-read – it’s a hard life but somebody has to do it!