The Spinster's Exploits

“Topping from the bottom” is a fabulous phrase and concept I picked up in my early days of Internet explorations when I was a possible wannabe spankee or just a curious fantasist and writer of erotica.

It covers some complex ideas. All the “good” folk of BDSMWorld and Spankoland are united in the idea that the bottom/sub/spankee is in control. They decide the limits and “good” Tops/Doms/Spankers accept these and set parameters of what is allowed and what happens. Makes sense so far?

BUT – then there’s talk of growth, pushing boundaries consensual non-consent, persuasion, and taking control. Confused? In the words of “Soap” – you will be! So – of course – like all relationships – there has to be negotiation. And because of the knowledge of the complexities and the equally complicated kink journeys of the individuals – I think kinks have a better track record on boundaries than vanillas. This is a personal view based on anecdotal and personal experience. If you’re about to be hit or tied up, you need to feel safe, build trust and make sure your partner knows what you want and can take. Perfect advice for rock climbing, karate and fabulous vanilla sex too!

So – topping from the bottom – it’s a phrase used – mostly in my experience – negatively. It is used to to criticise a “bottom” trying to over-control the “Top” and their choices in how they deal with the said bottom. They may – for example – be greedy and demanding of attention in what are deemed inappropriate ways or times for their partners. And so be over-controlling of the partnering and activities. I got/get it as a concept. But given that the bottom is said to really be in control I can see the lines can get blurred and confused.

And then one day someone on my Spankoland website came up with the phrase that I believe was “wimping from the top” – apologies for uncertainty, but I am 71 you know, and I’m talking about something I would have read over twenty years ago! Anyway – wimping from the top encapsulated the idea presented that so caught my attention. Basically, if the Top doesn’t take appropriate levels of responsibility for the needs of both themselves and the bottom, the only choice the bottom may feel they have, is to fill the vacuum and commit the “sin” of “topping from the bottom”.

So – of course to prevent sins of inappropriate topping and wimping, communication is key – and here endeth the lesson – go in peace and all that…

So why am I struggling with all this now as a 71 switcheroo working out how to get the best of both worlds and more…

Well – as said – I see myself – in my own words as a mere Domestic Domme when I choose to step up to the plate. I know my lovely sub-dentifying-but –switchypolyamorous-lover-who-I-am-sort-of-dating is really tough in sub mode and gets eye-watering attention from his Mistress. Thoughts of Deep heat and nettles now have me metaphorically swooning and reaching for the smelling salts!

I’d become aware that I may indeed be wimping from the top when I want to dominate him. The whole cock ring and orgasm control think got me really excited, but when it didn’t happen I accepted although there was a niggle… And I really love dominating him. And when it works I love it. But I accepted being merely “spicy vanilla” and not “BDSM” – his definitions.

This is complicated by us meeting mainly in my home where my inner “hostess” clicks in as well as my natural empathy and I am very solicitous to his needs. He too is empathic and caring, but I think my home and gender roles definitely come into play and so I believe he has enjoyed the attentions and privilege of man and guest. I had realised this and we’d addressed it to a point, but I’d only recently thought it was getting in the way of my Domestic Domme desires.

Meanwhile, my very inexperienced subby-cross-dressing-spiritual-elf is having a whale of a time under my L-plated Domestic Domme control… So – time to step fully up to the plate – whatever the hell that bloody means! And of course – yup! – having to have the difficult conversation. So I girded my loins, and pulled up my big-girl-pants and we talked.

And we need more talk – but I understand that my fabulous sub-identifying-etc-lover enjoys persuading, cajoling, ordering and being of service. And he sees himself as wanting to serve and protect and probably so much more I need to get my head around – I didn’t have a notebook handy!  And as we talked, he realised he has moved over the years and needs to re-evaluate how he sees himself and what he needs and desires – as do I and probably most of us on our evolutionary  travels…

So as well as lovely food and lots of episodes of Bones, I ended up with an amazingly well-Henry’d lounge, hall and kitchen – He’s as pedantic as me and objects to the verb “hoover”! He forgot my conservatory, but my side passage (NOT a euphemism) got it’s first hoovering in over a decade and gives me pleasure and a smile every time I have to traverse it’s No-Man’s-land on my way to the recycling or freezer…

He’s a pretty harsh critic – although very cute naked in an over-sized pinny! – Seems I’m too bossy – It’s hard chucking away the inner wimp and not going overboard I guess… And he’s also taken appropriate charge with his mistress too and spelt out his preferences and desires. All this learning – I’m knackered!