The Spinster's Exploits

My lovely weekend with my delightful established sub-identifying switchy lover included a “party” we’d decided to attend. We thought it was a social for local members of the kink site of which we’re both members. We met originally at a pub social for said people. This party was at a private room in a pub and would be socialising and games.
Looking at signed up members, it would appear that majority of attendees would be Dommes/Goddesses and subs that he’d met at his two recent events – interesting!
Was not quite as expected. The Domme/Goddess who arranged it was also a member of a site for swingers/polyamorists and all but us and a Domme/Godess he recognised, but nit spoken to, were strangers – it was more a meeting of swingers. And I was the oldest in the room! We played the type of games you’d play at a hen do and all good fun if a little chaotic.
And I learnt a new word – situationship! It seems to mean a relationship that lacks a specific label or a defined future. Sounded good to me! I thought Euston – we have a definition  – we’re in a situationship!
However, when I googled, while trying to avoid bloody AI, I discovered more nuance and some negatives. 
According to the mighty Google and the dodgy AI  “A ‘situationship’ is a romantic or sexual connection that lacks clear commitment, labels, or a defined future. It exists in the ‘grey area’ between a casual fling and an official relationship, often offering the emotional and physical benefits of a partnership without the associated obligations.”
I think it’s great to have a word for those early days  when you’re not yet sure if you’re an “item” or not. I remember the agonising and the embarrassment at references to boyfriends, when I didn’t know if said chap actually was! And lacking a defined future or label seems to fit my established sub-identifying switchy lover and me perfectly. But within that I feel there is commitment to our situationship/relationship as long as it works for us both.
And most of the discussion around situationships seem to focus on insecurity of finding oneself in one rather than choosing a label-challenging open relationship. I shall carry on thinking of myself and the lovely subby/switchy one as sort-of-dating I think!
Meanwhile – since this addition to my vocabulary, I think my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf may have found himself in a “situationship”! 
He met a very nice woman through a site used for all sorts of connections including casual hookups – the app our party-giver uses! The nice woman in question has circumstances that may make her vulnerable. He told her he was a cross dressing bisexual, with a Mistress (me!) and that he has casual hookups. She was fine with this. Within a week she’s been cooking for him, inviting him to stay the night and had full sex – her first time in more than three years. He wasn’t comfortable with staying over, but instead of saying so, made an excuse of busy-ness.
Without knowing the woman, I think that despite his initial honesty of lifestyle, she may think the level of their togetherness, may indicate a move to exclusivity and commitment. I have strongly advised him to have a conversation with her to ensure she and he can make an informed choice about what their situation actually is and what they want to do next. I can see how it can be easy to find oneself in a quite confusing “situationship”.

I am also aware of manipulative monogamists. I once had a lovely sexual and kink relationship with a man I really liked and we were both exploring polyamory. A woman he approached said she wanted exclusivity, so he thought that was it. She then changed her mind and started seeing him and they started a sexual and kink relationship. And then she got “uncomfortable” about me and started putting restrictions on what he was allowed to do with me. And he went along with this and I was fine about it. But the “discomfort” grew,… And she was needier than me with a more complicated life. And it got to the point where he felt he needed to make a choice. Unsurprisingly, I lost out to the monogamist – she may well have been lovely, but I suspect I was easier to leave  as a strong woman who enjoyed him rather than one who was vulnerable and suddenly needed him.

And back to my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf – he may be in danger of taking advantage of an apparently vulnerable woman – or be in danger of getting stitched up like the proverbial kipper! He is a kind person and possibly a soft touch. It’s obviously in their hands now…