The Spinster's Exploits

Sex, sensuality and possibly spanking after seventy…

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about

The Spinster is a 70-year-old South Walian who doesn’t believe sex, sensuality and fun stop at seventy. There is more to growing old disgracefully than wearing purple 💜- although she does love purple! She considers herself to have dual sexuality as she loves vanilla but something gets unleashed when she is spanked by the right person… She is excited to have reached this significant milestone and thrilled to discover erotic possibilities can be there for the taking. Oh! And she can be a touch up herself and talk about herself in the third person – but nothing a good spanking won’t cure!😉🤭

  • Topping from the bottom and wimping from the top

    “Topping from the bottom” is a fabulous phrase and concept I picked up in my early days of Internet explorations when I was a possible wannabe spankee or just a curious fantasist and writer of erotica.

    It covers some complex ideas. All the “good” folk of BDSMWorld and Spankoland are united in the idea that the bottom/sub/spankee is in control. They decide the limits and “good” Tops/Doms/Spankers accept these and set parameters of what is allowed and what happens. Makes sense so far?

    BUT – then there’s talk of growth, pushing boundaries consensual non-consent, persuasion, and taking control. Confused? In the words of “Soap” – you will be! So – of course – like all relationships – there has to be negotiation. And because of the knowledge of the complexities and the equally complicated kink journeys of the individuals – I think kinks have a better track record on boundaries than vanillas. This is a personal view based on anecdotal and personal experience. If you’re about to be hit or tied up, you need to feel safe, build trust and make sure your partner knows what you want and can take. Perfect advice for rock climbing, karate and fabulous vanilla sex too!

    So – topping from the bottom – it’s a phrase used – mostly in my experience – negatively. It is used to to criticise a “bottom” trying to over-control the “Top” and their choices in how they deal with the said bottom. They may – for example – be greedy and demanding of attention in what are deemed inappropriate ways or times for their partners. And so be over-controlling of the partnering and activities. I got/get it as a concept. But given that the bottom is said to really be in control I can see the lines can get blurred and confused.

    And then one day someone on my Spankoland website came up with the phrase that I believe was “wimping from the top” – apologies for uncertainty, but I am 71 you know, and I’m talking about something I would have read over twenty years ago! Anyway – wimping from the top encapsulated the idea presented that so caught my attention. Basically, if the Top doesn’t take appropriate levels of responsibility for the needs of both themselves and the bottom, the only choice the bottom may feel they have, is to fill the vacuum and commit the “sin” of “topping from the bottom”.

    So – of course to prevent sins of inappropriate topping and wimping, communication is key – and here endeth the lesson – go in peace and all that…

    So why am I struggling with all this now as a 71 switcheroo working out how to get the best of both worlds and more…

    Well – as said – I see myself – in my own words as a mere Domestic Domme when I choose to step up to the plate. I know my lovely sub-dentifying-but –switchypolyamorous-lover-who-I-am-sort-of-dating is really tough in sub mode and gets eye-watering attention from his Mistress. Thoughts of Deep heat and nettles now have me metaphorically swooning and reaching for the smelling salts!

    I’d become aware that I may indeed be wimping from the top when I want to dominate him. The whole cock ring and orgasm control think got me really excited, but when it didn’t happen I accepted although there was a niggle… And I really love dominating him. And when it works I love it. But I accepted being merely “spicy vanilla” and not “BDSM” – his definitions.

    This is complicated by us meeting mainly in my home where my inner “hostess” clicks in as well as my natural empathy and I am very solicitous to his needs. He too is empathic and caring, but I think my home and gender roles definitely come into play and so I believe he has enjoyed the attentions and privilege of man and guest. I had realised this and we’d addressed it to a point, but I’d only recently thought it was getting in the way of my Domestic Domme desires.

    Meanwhile, my very inexperienced subby-cross-dressing-spiritual-elf is having a whale of a time under my L-plated Domestic Domme control… So – time to step fully up to the plate – whatever the hell that bloody means! And of course – yup! – having to have the difficult conversation. So I girded my loins, and pulled up my big-girl-pants and we talked.

    And we need more talk – but I understand that my fabulous sub-identifying-etc-lover enjoys persuading, cajoling, ordering and being of service. And he sees himself as wanting to serve and protect and probably so much more I need to get my head around – I didn’t have a notebook handy!  And as we talked, he realised he has moved over the years and needs to re-evaluate how he sees himself and what he needs and desires – as do I and probably most of us on our evolutionary  travels…

    So as well as lovely food and lots of episodes of Bones, I ended up with an amazingly well-Henry’d lounge, hall and kitchen – He’s as pedantic as me and objects to the verb “hoover”! He forgot my conservatory, but my side passage (NOT a euphemism) got it’s first hoovering in over a decade and gives me pleasure and a smile every time I have to traverse it’s No-Man’s-land on my way to the recycling or freezer…

    He’s a pretty harsh critic – although very cute naked in an over-sized pinny! – Seems I’m too bossy – It’s hard chucking away the inner wimp and not going overboard I guess… And he’s also taken appropriate charge with his mistress too and spelt out his preferences and desires. All this learning – I’m knackered!

  • A non-sexy quickie: The joys of radio 4, “Broadcasting House” and Paddy O’Connell

    So – if you’re waiting for a non-sexual post to “like” – here you go! It may be lefty and woke though – just like me!

    I just love Broadcasting House and the delight that is Mr Paddy O’Connell and today was utterly fabulous.

    • We had Peter Hennessy reminding me of Neil Kinnock’s utter decency and rightly informing me of John Major’s decency and humility as well as his own, with his non-fuss plans for bowing out of public life
    • I discovered the glorious Sheila Hancock had campaigned for Ruth Ellis’s life at the time of her incarceration and Sheila is also an inspiration as an older woman and advanced skills driver
    • I aurally “witnessed” two gay men struggling with empathy and confusion at the difficulty for straight men complimenting women in the supermarket
    • I discovered that the age for men to “settle down” was 34 statistically and allegedly, but other viewpoints were expressed and eyebrows metaphorically raised
    • I was misinformed that bread is full of sugar – it’s not – but it’s full of starch which has the same effects as sugar
    • I was reminded that sugar can bring joy, but research has shown that rationing it may have led to less anxiety!
    • And there was a danger and delight at the thought of the programme not ending on time because everyone was having so much fun!

    Thank you, Paddy, for another wonderful start to my Sunday!

  • Spanky Wanky in a sea of community activity and decorum…

    Sadly, I have come to the realisation that documenting every thought that amuses, entertains or transfixes me is an impossibility. Much as I love writing, and the way that it clarifies my thinking and sparks new ideas – it’s bloody time-consuming! And life is for living.

    So – I have had a fabulous week of everydaynesses and family company. Today’s deep thought is the after-effects of two chicken pasties and three sausage rolls on an elderly, blind and arthritic dog. The second thought is – never under-estimate elderly, blind and arthritic dogs – especially when they survived as actual scavengers in their early years! Luckily, he just seems just sleepy and oblivious to my swearing…

    My last weekend was delightful and decorous – very appropriate for an ageing spinster. It did start with a serious chat about boundaries and expectations, however – always good to check in, I find. Neither of us are especially demanding, but both have busy lives and obligations and we need to know just how this “polyamorous lovers who are sort of dating” is working. It seems to be working fine – so time for taking off our kit and chilling with some episodes of  “Bones”. I was impressed that he’d not watched any episodes on his own – seems he’s been distracted by some football. I think the World Cup did just float across my consciousness…

    And a visit to The Mumbles was the perfect way to celebrate the end of the heatwave and a pleasant sunny day.

    The highlight however, was visiting the open gardens in the Yellow Book scheme and in a local Community Garden Club. We saw amazing and varied gardens, had lots of lovely chat with proud owners and friends from my various decorous activities, and had a ride in a tractor-pulled trailer. It all took so long, we needed the wonderful cuppa and delicious home-made cake that was luckily available in the community hall. Our Sunday lunch was well-delayed, so we were forced to watch more “Bones” – a pretty good Sunday!

    My previous weekend with my fabulous “polyamorous lover who I am sort of dating” also seemed pretty decorous. Lots of chilling and “Bones” plus a great combination of meals out and home cooking. I’d had a lovely time and was looking forward to Sunday lunch at a local pub when he decided I needed spanking. Seemed like a good idea to me! And as usual he used practically every tool in my playbox to our mutual fun. And then he decided to get dressed! Now I know he is an absolute gentleman and if I required attention he’s have only been too happy to oblige.

    And – as I have said before – spanking/sub/Dom stuff can be as rewarding as sex, and nothing further is required. And sometimes it leads to an itch that would be nice to scratch – and a scratch did seem like a nice idea. So – I thought it was one of those occasions when the sisters could be doing it for themselves, so reached for my trusty vibe. He carried on dressing, but with an enormous grin, and I got a fabulous orgasm and an extra buzz from my “performance” – Decorum can only take you so far!

    As said before – I don’t need sex and/or play every time we see each other – but it’s lovely when it happens. And we have a fabulous friendship for which I am so grateful – laughter and companionship along with ease and familiarity are also amazing gifts.

  • Old farts, new tricks and orgasm control/delayed gratification

    So – sometimes time just goes faster than I write. Last week I was wondering about: whether old farts can learn new tricks; stream of consciousness and fantasy; orgasm control and lots of stuff I’d already forgotten!

    I think – without protesting too much, we’ve established I’m a spicy vanilla-loving sensualist spankee who’s become switchy and has subby moments but is not a sub.

    But the subby thing – so far – only happens with my lovely switchy, sub-identifying lover when he chooses to take control and/or when he gives my breasts a lot of attention.

    And last week they were getting so much attention, I was practically on another planet. Usually, I just enjoy it, then get to the point where an orgasm seems a nice idea and between us, we make it happen. Other times I get subby and despite the pleasure and wanting it to continue, he becomes my focus and if he chooses to stop or require attention, that feels unbelievably erotic which has taken getting used to.

    My previous spanky relationships made me aware that spanking can be as satisfying as sex, can lead to sex or can be enough. After all – the brain is the second biggest sex organ – I consider skin to have pride of place for size,* but the brain is the most powerful.

    I’m aware of orgasm control as a “thing”/kink, but had no interest on being on the receiving end of such control, although it is on my SSIL’s little list…

    So – back to my greedy breasts and amazing attention they were receiving. As the attention had me in a subby-ish place I asked permission to use my lovely bullet vibe and he agreed. And it was fabulous. And then he said “Stop!” and I did and it was unbelievably sexy. And I was given permission to continue, until ordered to stop and I complied and the game continued, until I was given permission to come.

    It was seriously hot for me, andseemed to have a positive effect on him as well, as he had a very impressive erection, and then it was his turn to make himself come – all over the both of us at my instigation, which I duly rubbed in and we were ready for Sunday lunch!

    * Just a thought – I think unravelled brains are huge, so may win on size as well!

  • Heatwave tips…

    Nudity and cool baths – good idea to draw curtains/pull blinds…

    Always have your phone with you in the bathroom, but don’t have phone calls on the loo!!!

  • Why sleeping on your Dominatrix’s cage floor is just like football…

    Sort of!

    This from the woman who thinks that bird watching and bungee jumping is just like sex and the over fifties – not for all, but age shouldn’t be the barrier to anything you fancy doing.

    So – my lovely sub-identifying, switchy lover who I’m sort of dating spent Friday night with his Dominatrix – in a cage! It wasn’t exactly a plan – she was due out of hospital and needed driving home and support. As I was expecting to spend time with him, I had to gird my loins/pull up my big-girl pants/be a reasonable human being. As he pointed out – he’d do the same for me.

    So in fair exchange for his help and support, his Mistress allowed him to sleep in her cage! He did have a sleeping bag – only reasonable as he is a mere whipper-snapper in his sixties – and he arrived at mine looking the worse for wear the following day!

    The cage was one of his fantasies, and this was the perfect opportunity – so they took it. I thought it was really funny, and it reminded me why I know I am so not a sub, despite passing limited subby fantasies and desires. But I do “get” it and can see the attraction, if one is of that mindset. It’s part of the great “Your Thing, Not My Thing, But OK” understanding and acceptance of the marvellous diversity of kink.

    And so to football. I absolutely didn’t get the obsession, the tribalism and/or total passion and saw certain behaviour as beyond the pale. The I read Nick Hornby’s “Fever Pitch”. I’m not convinced that how he and others act is appropriate, but not my business. And I can understand why they act and feel as they do and feel some empathy while also finding it hard to get – just like a Mistress’s cage floor!

    I am very happy for all of us to get our pleasure and satisfaction where we can, so long as we do no harm to others – unless they ask nicely!

  • Cliffhangers – Situationship and painful sex

    As usual, when I’ve not blogged for a while, I have a headful of stuff I’ve been thinking about. Like: can old farts learn new tricks?; stream of consciousness and fantasy; orgasm control and lots of stuff I’ve now forgotten!

    But sat back here at my computer I am reminded of my earlier “notes to self” and open-ended situations/cliffhangers, so here goes!

    Situationship – I left my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf not tied to the rail tracks in classic melodramatic style but in possible danger of exploitation… So – he really liked her, had been honest, liked what was on offer but wasn’t sure what she wanted… he did ask the question – and it was exclusivity.

    Meanwhile, he seemed to be getting more into “carer” role, was getting more home cooking and she had an attic he could rent off her for his exclusive use…

    When we first met up again, one of the first things he told me was that he needed to live on his own for a while and not leap into a full-on relationship. And in fairness, he did remember this. I suspect the home cooking and being needed were quite seductive, but the attic with his possible financial exploitation and likely caring expectations also helped to give him a reality check about a woman he’d only known a fortnight.

    Because he’s said he would visit, she had cooked for him and wanted to know when he was arriving when I saw him as he was struggling with a decision. I have to admit; this was one of the few times that ending a “relationship/situationship” by text seemed the kindest and most sensible response. And so it ended.

    Painful sex – I am not into algolagnia – love of, or sexual stimulation from physical pain, since you ask… When I need labels to describe my “kink” I’ve thought of myself as a spankee rather than a masochist or a sub, as for me, it’s all about spanking. And – as said before – this includes the use of implements but only on the one part of my body. Recently I have discovered a limited but definite subby side, but enough to surprise me. And I have also unleashed my surprising but limited Domestic Domme/Goddess, but that’s not the issue here.

    So – I am a wimp. If you’re not smacking my bottom, I am pathetic. I hate discomfort and feel every ache after sitting on a less than perfect seat or not getting a good night’s sleep. And if you are the perfect spanker – just don’t ask me to “assume the position”, unless it is an exceptionally comfortable one. I am not the “Princess and the Pea”, but I suspect I could give her a run for her money. Give me a friendly poke, or squeeze my arm a little tightly, and you won’t hear the end of it!  

    But painful sex is quite a turn on. Not anything horrendous – just a little discomfort and tightness, that soon passes.

    I suspect I have weird hormones, as possibly mentioned before – easy periods, no noticeable menopause and a fanny that fires on all cylinders when sex is on the cards – not bragging, just explaining the background. Also – as said – I’m purely clitoral and don’t get vaginal orgasms. Beyond the odd attempt out of curiosity, I’ve not been tempted to stick objects up myself, but I do find fucking extremely sexy and I do love the feel of a penis inside me.

    An unprepared-for quickie is an exciting idea but nowadays any fucking is usually after some attention or play and I am happy to say that my lovely responsive fanny salivates in anticipation. It fails however, to send a message to its walls, and they often seem ready to repel invaders – although they become more welcoming fairly quickly and seem to forget what the fuss was about! I don’t know if the area becomes engorged due to excitement or orgasm, but it does definitely seem to narrow – as confirmed by my delicious invaders!

    So – penetration is often challenging, but feels very sexy, and manageably painful. It doesn’t last beyond the initial foray, where my whole “lady parts” get with the programme, relax and enjoy the ride.

  • Situationships

    My lovely weekend with my delightful established sub-identifying switchy lover included a “party” we’d decided to attend. We thought it was a social for local members of the kink site of which we’re both members. We met originally at a pub social for said people. This party was at a private room in a pub and would be socialising and games.
    Looking at signed up members, it would appear that majority of attendees would be Dommes/Goddesses and subs that he’d met at his two recent events – interesting!
    Was not quite as expected. The Domme/Goddess who arranged it was also a member of a site for swingers/polyamorists and all but us and a Domme/Godess he recognised, but nit spoken to, were strangers – it was more a meeting of swingers. And I was the oldest in the room! We played the type of games you’d play at a hen do and all good fun if a little chaotic.
    And I learnt a new word – situationship! It seems to mean a relationship that lacks a specific label or a defined future. Sounded good to me! I thought Euston – we have a definition  – we’re in a situationship!
    However, when I googled, while trying to avoid bloody AI, I discovered more nuance and some negatives. 
    According to the mighty Google and the dodgy AI  “A ‘situationship’ is a romantic or sexual connection that lacks clear commitment, labels, or a defined future. It exists in the ‘grey area’ between a casual fling and an official relationship, often offering the emotional and physical benefits of a partnership without the associated obligations.”
    I think it’s great to have a word for those early days  when you’re not yet sure if you’re an “item” or not. I remember the agonising and the embarrassment at references to boyfriends, when I didn’t know if said chap actually was! And lacking a defined future or label seems to fit my established sub-identifying switchy lover and me perfectly. But within that I feel there is commitment to our situationship/relationship as long as it works for us both.
    And most of the discussion around situationships seem to focus on insecurity of finding oneself in one rather than choosing a label-challenging open relationship. I shall carry on thinking of myself and the lovely subby/switchy one as sort-of-dating I think!
    Meanwhile – since this addition to my vocabulary, I think my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf may have found himself in a “situationship”! 
    He met a very nice woman through a site used for all sorts of connections including casual hookups – the app our party-giver uses! The nice woman in question has circumstances that may make her vulnerable. He told her he was a cross dressing bisexual, with a Mistress (me!) and that he has casual hookups. She was fine with this. Within a week she’s been cooking for him, inviting him to stay the night and had full sex – her first time in more than three years. He wasn’t comfortable with staying over, but instead of saying so, made an excuse of busy-ness.
    Without knowing the woman, I think that despite his initial honesty of lifestyle, she may think the level of their togetherness, may indicate a move to exclusivity and commitment. I have strongly advised him to have a conversation with her to ensure she and he can make an informed choice about what their situation actually is and what they want to do next. I can see how it can be easy to find oneself in a quite confusing “situationship”.

    I am also aware of manipulative monogamists. I once had a lovely sexual and kink relationship with a man I really liked and we were both exploring polyamory. A woman he approached said she wanted exclusivity, so he thought that was it. She then changed her mind and started seeing him and they started a sexual and kink relationship. And then she got “uncomfortable” about me and started putting restrictions on what he was allowed to do with me. And he went along with this and I was fine about it. But the “discomfort” grew,… And she was needier than me with a more complicated life. And it got to the point where he felt he needed to make a choice. Unsurprisingly, I lost out to the monogamist – she may well have been lovely, but I suspect I was easier to leave  as a strong woman who enjoyed him rather than one who was vulnerable and suddenly needed him.

    And back to my subby cross-dressing spiritual elf – he may be in danger of taking advantage of an apparently vulnerable woman – or be in danger of getting stitched up like the proverbial kipper! He is a kind person and possibly a soft touch. It’s obviously in their hands now…

  • Holiday Quickie 2 – Retail therapy

    Having a great time in Devon, despite dodgy weather. I was also having a lovely time getting retail therapy in one of the lovely little harbour towns. I was making such exciting purchases as a practical purse identical to my current one for when it wears out plus Thai nasal inhalers – because why wouldn’t you? They seem as marvellous as Lucozade and Mars bars before the powers that be decided advertisers could not tell outright lies about stuff being good for us.


    And after this and a wonderful bacon bap,  I was feeling just a little cranky because my feet were hurting and it was a grey day. An ice-cream and a sit down helped and I got a second wind, and so I was tempted by an interesting looking clothes shop. I saw some dresses that fitted into the space between boring old fart and mutton dressed as lamb.
    And as I was approaching the changing room some black lace, ribbon and metal caught my eye. Two gorgeous corset-style topped dresses whispered “Try me” – so I did. My friend noticed them too and wondered if I would. She did ask where I’d wear them and I decided they were definitely for “at home”! I also told her I thought my lovers would approve and one might want to borrow it! She took it in her stride that I had a cross-dresser in my life.

  • Holiday Quickies 1 – lovely weekends

    Holiday Quickies 1
    I am on a weekend away with a female friend who doesn’t know about my kink side exactly but knows I have a fabulous sexlife.
    So thought this an opportunity for me to practise some brevity and put down some thoughts that have been in my head.
    Had a fabulous non-erotic weekend with my delightful sub-identifying, switchy lover. He’s still not recovered from weird cold-like lurgy so we had a weekend of mainly blobbing with lots of episodes of ‘Bones’. He paid for a delicious meal in a restaurant I recommended but was new to him, and I cooked a rather good roast lamb Sunday lunch.
    I have recently been working on info and advice for over 50s – including stuff on loneliness, physical contact and sensuality. I state and believe that delicious food is a sensual experience. I love sex, but sensuality is so much wider and very satisfying.  As is spending time with someone whose company you enjoy and simple physical touch.