The Spinster's Exploits

“Oh! And note to self – must remember to write about new neighbours, being the Scarlet Woman, spanking to the beat of ‘Hit me with your Rhythm Stick’, tai-chi qi gong-meanderings, and ‘Pudenda to Infinity!’…”

Ok – here I go…

I have new neighbours. They were looking around the house before moving in, just as I and my lovely cross-dressing Spiritual Elf were off for lunch. I had a quick word and welcomed them and left. I saw them the following day and he referred to my companion and asked if it was my husband. I said no – a friend. And added I had other friends. Then compounded it by saying his predecessor had told a mutual neighbour that I had a lot of male visitors! Luckily, he was entertained by the thought of this seventy-one-year-old  having “gentlemen callers” and laughed “Good for you!” I guess it was fresh on my mind as I’d only been told this gossip about me about recently.

So – on Sunday, my wonderful sub-identifying-but–switchy-polyamorous-lover-etc decided I needed a thrashing. So, mindful of neighbours in general and new next-door neighbours we closed the windows and I was dithering about choice of music. And that’s when he masterfully ordered Alexa to play Mr Dury’s masterpiece “Hit me With Your Rhythm Stick”! Not only did I get beaten with a huge selection of my toy box, but it was also in rhythm and sometimes accompanied by him singing along! No wonder I was practically hysterical with laughter, despite the pain – he did not hold back too much.

And so to my lovely life-enhancing, spiritual sessions of tai-chi qi gong, where I practice mindfulness check in with my qi/life-force/energy and attempt serenity. It is absolutely wonderful and is soothing and harmonious and keeps me flexible – but my mind does wander…

Some qi gong moves have fabulously evocative names like painting a rainbow and flying like a wild goose. Others are a bit more prosaic as we raise arms or row a boat.

So – there I was doing my qi gong and had passing thoughts about the fact the new Toy Story film is out. And as I went from painting a rainbow to separating the clouds I clasped my hands loosely in front of my crotch and thought “pudenda” is a much nicer word than any of those others to describe that area and felt more in tune with the practice of qi gong . It also coincides with the “Dantian point” which is the centre of the qi life-force. And as I raised my arms to separate the cloud I was thinking of Buzz Lightyear’s catchphrase and had the sudden notion of spreading my life force and thought – “My pudenda to infinity!” as I loosed the energy from my Dantian to the clouds… it gave me an inner giggle as well as a good stretch…

And as my mind was partly in the gutter already, I got to thinking about neighbours. Back in the seventies, we had a single parent move into the street. Funny to think back but she was unusual enough in that community and those times to be known as the divorcee. And I remember the gossip about her male visitors – it was quite exciting and while she didn’t have to wear a red A, she was definitely the nearest we had to a Scarlet Woman in my youth. And I had a sudden thought – as a polyamorous spinster in my seventies with gentlemen callers I could well be the street’s current Scarlet Woman!